Today I Hate: The Usual. Why? It all still exists.
Today I Love: My sister, books, videogames, food, and comics. Why? Pretty much sums up the rest of my day.
When
I was a child I had a strange obsession with clowns. Not real ones,
mind you, as I had had a particularly bad experience with a live one
that may have resulted in my wetting myself but I don't remember the
details. Anyways, the clowns I liked looked more like jesters and my
brother and sister had ones that played music when they were younger so I
Wanted One. The one I found was from a thrift store; he had a yellow
and blue patterned outfit, played music, had ears like a monkey, and
only one eye. The eye problem was solved by hot gluing a googly eye on
which, while restoring his ability to see properly did nothing to help
his somewhat unnerving appearance. I still have the clown/jester to this
day and yesterday he played a trick on me.
I was getting ready
to go to my usual appointments but all was halted when I couldn't find
my second stripey arm warmer. The day before I had taken them out of my
bag and set them on the box-cum-table in my room but when I went to
retrieve them there was only the one. This annoyed me because I wear
them when it's sunny out to keep from burning so I proceeded to take
apart my whole room, turning over things that could be turned over,
shaking out things that could be shaken out, and looking under things
that were to large to turn over and/or shake out. I was running out of
time and gave up the search when I remembered I have a pair of lace arm
warmers. I snatched one of those on my way out but not before doing a
last once over of my room with the same result.
Late last night
after I got back I moved a stuffed bear, the aforementioned stuffed
clown, and a pillow from my chest where they sit to the box-cum-table.
This morning I moved them back to their proper place and after I had
done so noticed that tucked behind the stuffed clown's pointed hat was
my balled up stripey arm warmer. There was no possible way this could
have gotten on him or the chest but I gratefully accepted his find and
placed the arm warmer back with its companion. When I turned back to the
clown the lacey arm warmer that I had not worn the day before was
balled up near his arm. Again, there was no possible way this could have
gotten on him as it had been sitting on my stocking chest far below
where I had placed him. I decided he was now Fucking With Me but in a
goodhearted manner and so smiled at hist jest and placed the arm warmer
back in it's proper spot, happy to have them back.
A little later during breakfast I told my sister this story.
"Well," she replied, "That's what clowns do. They fuck with you."
"I know," I said, "It's all part of living with a clown.
This
particular clown is one that she has never been fond of and insists he
is always watching her. She looked at him and squinted.
"Okay," she said, turning back to me. "But if he starts coming into my room and stealing my stuff, I'm locking my door."
Because I have some things(s) to say.
31.7.15
28.7.15
In Which I am STILL ENRAGED.
Today I Hate: MY FAMILY.
Today I Love. My doctors.
Am enraged. Still. Still without internet to pay my bills or contact my doctor or POST MY FUCKING COMIC and have found out that it is indeed due to the extremely incompetent, childish boob I am forced to live with being an extremely incompetent, childish boob. I am refusing to write more on this subject currently as I will probably end up throwing this computer monitor (which unlike the one I met yesterday I have NO bond with whatsoever) through the window and this would be bad. Both because I like the library and cannot afford to have either a monitor or a window replaced.
I did get to see one of my amazing doctors today who gave me some new things to try for my breast issues which is good so fingers crossed.
In other news:
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Today I Love. My doctors.
Am enraged. Still. Still without internet to pay my bills or contact my doctor or POST MY FUCKING COMIC and have found out that it is indeed due to the extremely incompetent, childish boob I am forced to live with being an extremely incompetent, childish boob. I am refusing to write more on this subject currently as I will probably end up throwing this computer monitor (which unlike the one I met yesterday I have NO bond with whatsoever) through the window and this would be bad. Both because I like the library and cannot afford to have either a monitor or a window replaced.
I did get to see one of my amazing doctors today who gave me some new things to try for my breast issues which is good so fingers crossed.
In other news:
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
27.7.15
Eleven and One Half
Today I--oh just look at the post I wrote an hour ago.
I've decided to come back on here to babble for the 11 and one half remaining minutes I have left with this computer. I have very mixed emotions about this as I feel we have bonded immensely in the last hour and one quarter and find I am extremely hesitant to make my departure. I have checked all my emails, updated all my currently active blogs, checked bus schedules, written on here and to be perfectly honest, after everything we have been through I feel it knows me better than most people do. This is the kind of bond you simply cannot create with another human being, the kind of connection people spend years searching for and here I have stumbled upon it purely by accident. I have been wondering if I would ever be able to find a friend such as this, one I can trust (more or less) completely and utterly with all my personal information. Yes it's true this particular computer is especially quiet but so am I and who needs words when you have an understanding that runs as deep as the one we have? I must take my leave now but maybe, one day, I will come back to this particular library to this particular computer and we will have a reunion, a celebration of our--
I've decided to come back on here to babble for the 11 and one half remaining minutes I have left with this computer. I have very mixed emotions about this as I feel we have bonded immensely in the last hour and one quarter and find I am extremely hesitant to make my departure. I have checked all my emails, updated all my currently active blogs, checked bus schedules, written on here and to be perfectly honest, after everything we have been through I feel it knows me better than most people do. This is the kind of bond you simply cannot create with another human being, the kind of connection people spend years searching for and here I have stumbled upon it purely by accident. I have been wondering if I would ever be able to find a friend such as this, one I can trust (more or less) completely and utterly with all my personal information. Yes it's true this particular computer is especially quiet but so am I and who needs words when you have an understanding that runs as deep as the one we have? I must take my leave now but maybe, one day, I will come back to this particular library to this particular computer and we will have a reunion, a celebration of our--
In Which I am Enraged.
Today I Hate: My incompetent family. Why? T_T
Today I Love: Libraries and bookstores. Why? I can hide in them for as long as I want.
Well. I finished my comic. Actually I finished it the day I wrote my last post. Unfortunately, due to there still not being internet at my house I cannot post it. I am enraged and in pain.
In other news:
"I AM DEPRESSED AND HAVE A ZIT IN MY EAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Today I Love: Libraries and bookstores. Why? I can hide in them for as long as I want.
Well. I finished my comic. Actually I finished it the day I wrote my last post. Unfortunately, due to there still not being internet at my house I cannot post it. I am enraged and in pain.
In other news:
"I AM DEPRESSED AND HAVE A ZIT IN MY EAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
24.7.15
A Great Pain in the Neck
Today I Hate: My spine. Why? It hates me.
Today I Love: The Rain. Why? I was told earlier by a patron that it is raining outside but as I have not actually left the library since ten I can neither confirm nor deny this.
I haven't been writing on here so much lately and there are three reasons for this:
1. I do not have internet access at my current residence right now and I have no hope of this being solved anytime soon. Also, I have not been able to make it to the library because of ninety freaking degree weather and
2. As I mentioned my spine has been very disagreeable this past week. I went to the chiropractor last week to get myself put back together and about one day and a half later I threw out my neck in my sleep. I don't know what the hell I do to myself in my sleep but whenever something goes out bad it happens when I am in Dream--or rather Nightmare--land. This caused some of the worst non-stop migraines that I have had in about a year, since my neck first started going out on a more-or-less regular basis. I won't go into detail just now but I will say that couldn't function at all and it was Miserable Hell. This being the case I had to go back to the chiropractor this week which was bad because I only get twelve appointments a year but obviously good because I got fixed. Everything that was out was out on the right side which is weird especially because my migraines are usually caused by my C1 and C2 (top two cervical vertebrae) being out on opposite sides; my C1 to the right and C2 to the left but this time they were both right-wingers causing my body to go berserk because this was a pain I was not used to. That was loads of fun.
3. The time I have had with computers I have been using to work on my comic because right now that means far more to me than babbling away to some anonymous people on the interweb. Well, it always means more to me than that but especially now BECAUSE: All I have left to do is one more panel, some editing, and then suffering my sister yelling at me because I'm obsessing over how it looks and "Erin it's fine. Just post it." When I am done with all that I will post the link to it here.
That is all for now anonymous internet people.
-Erin
Today I Love: The Rain. Why? I was told earlier by a patron that it is raining outside but as I have not actually left the library since ten I can neither confirm nor deny this.
I haven't been writing on here so much lately and there are three reasons for this:
1. I do not have internet access at my current residence right now and I have no hope of this being solved anytime soon. Also, I have not been able to make it to the library because of ninety freaking degree weather and
2. As I mentioned my spine has been very disagreeable this past week. I went to the chiropractor last week to get myself put back together and about one day and a half later I threw out my neck in my sleep. I don't know what the hell I do to myself in my sleep but whenever something goes out bad it happens when I am in Dream--or rather Nightmare--land. This caused some of the worst non-stop migraines that I have had in about a year, since my neck first started going out on a more-or-less regular basis. I won't go into detail just now but I will say that couldn't function at all and it was Miserable Hell. This being the case I had to go back to the chiropractor this week which was bad because I only get twelve appointments a year but obviously good because I got fixed. Everything that was out was out on the right side which is weird especially because my migraines are usually caused by my C1 and C2 (top two cervical vertebrae) being out on opposite sides; my C1 to the right and C2 to the left but this time they were both right-wingers causing my body to go berserk because this was a pain I was not used to. That was loads of fun.
3. The time I have had with computers I have been using to work on my comic because right now that means far more to me than babbling away to some anonymous people on the interweb. Well, it always means more to me than that but especially now BECAUSE: All I have left to do is one more panel, some editing, and then suffering my sister yelling at me because I'm obsessing over how it looks and "Erin it's fine. Just post it." When I am done with all that I will post the link to it here.
That is all for now anonymous internet people.
-Erin
21.7.15
21 July
Today I Love: Overcast days and reading. Why? No heat so I can comprehend what I'm reading.
Today I Hate: Today. Why? Birthdays.
I will go into my room where I am surrounded by the things I love. Then I will curl up in my blankets with a stack of books (though sadly lacking tea as my stomach is giving me pains today), maybe get a pizza and then proceed to ignore the world and all who inhabit it and That
Will be my present to myself.
Goodbye.
Today I Hate: Today. Why? Birthdays.
I will go into my room where I am surrounded by the things I love. Then I will curl up in my blankets with a stack of books (though sadly lacking tea as my stomach is giving me pains today), maybe get a pizza and then proceed to ignore the world and all who inhabit it and That
Will be my present to myself.
Goodbye.
20.7.15
Soomething I Need to Get Out
Today I Hate: Pain. Why? Fuck off.
Today I Love: Air conditioning. Why? Not hot.
Yesterday is a day I will write about another day but today is a day I will write about right now.
I awoke to a Belgian draft horse leaping straight at me. Not a real one, mind you, but the large poster of one I have hanging above my bed. A corner of it had come loose and I am now thoroughly convinced that my posters are in cahoots with any airflow in my room and together they are trying to drive me insane.
I will not talk about the next couple of hours as it pertains to yesterday which I still do not want to write about today. Instead I will skip ahead to my early morning constitutional. It started out fine but about three minutes into it my bowels--having refused to empty themselves when I politely asked them to this morning--decided that my walk was the ideal time to do so. This isn't at all unusual; because of the stress I am under constantly when I do something that relaxes me a little--such as going for a walk--it relieves enough tension for my digestive system to remember what it is it was supposed to have been doing this entire time. However, on this particular morning since I didn't actually crap myself I continued walking. I had not been able to leave the house at all the day before and I was going to take advantage of this cool early morning. This walk Meant Something To Me, goddammit, and I was going to Make It Count.
About halfway through my walk after having traversed two mildly steep hills my bowels decided they were very angry with me for not having listened to them earlier. Too late too do anything practical about it (unless you count shitting in a rich neighbor's yard to be practical) I ignored them again. If my bowels wanted to hold it all in for days then they could surely stand to do so a bit longer. I wouldn't normally be so awful to my body but having been cooped up and in pain nothing was going to stop me from getting out. I was Committed.
I kept walking. About this time my hemorrhoids (one of the many benefits of stress and the on-off constipation and diarrhea it causes) got extremely disgruntled and complained:
"What? Really? You're going to make us deal with this shit?"
I promptly told them to fuck off, deal with the hand they've been dealt and pushed onward. Regardless of the pain I was causing myself I had Invested Too Much in this walk and no way was I going to Give Up On It Now.
I did, thankfully, make it back to my house without shitting myself and so reveled in the relief of being able to crap, something I find most people take very much for granted.
After all, It's The Little Things That Count.
(Right?)
That said, I must now say that denying my bowel movements in the very same way/mindset most people use to justify their abusive and self-destructive relationships is most definitely not healthy.
My asshole deserves better than that.
Today I Love: Air conditioning. Why? Not hot.
Yesterday is a day I will write about another day but today is a day I will write about right now.
I awoke to a Belgian draft horse leaping straight at me. Not a real one, mind you, but the large poster of one I have hanging above my bed. A corner of it had come loose and I am now thoroughly convinced that my posters are in cahoots with any airflow in my room and together they are trying to drive me insane.
I will not talk about the next couple of hours as it pertains to yesterday which I still do not want to write about today. Instead I will skip ahead to my early morning constitutional. It started out fine but about three minutes into it my bowels--having refused to empty themselves when I politely asked them to this morning--decided that my walk was the ideal time to do so. This isn't at all unusual; because of the stress I am under constantly when I do something that relaxes me a little--such as going for a walk--it relieves enough tension for my digestive system to remember what it is it was supposed to have been doing this entire time. However, on this particular morning since I didn't actually crap myself I continued walking. I had not been able to leave the house at all the day before and I was going to take advantage of this cool early morning. This walk Meant Something To Me, goddammit, and I was going to Make It Count.
About halfway through my walk after having traversed two mildly steep hills my bowels decided they were very angry with me for not having listened to them earlier. Too late too do anything practical about it (unless you count shitting in a rich neighbor's yard to be practical) I ignored them again. If my bowels wanted to hold it all in for days then they could surely stand to do so a bit longer. I wouldn't normally be so awful to my body but having been cooped up and in pain nothing was going to stop me from getting out. I was Committed.
I kept walking. About this time my hemorrhoids (one of the many benefits of stress and the on-off constipation and diarrhea it causes) got extremely disgruntled and complained:
"What? Really? You're going to make us deal with this shit?"
I promptly told them to fuck off, deal with the hand they've been dealt and pushed onward. Regardless of the pain I was causing myself I had Invested Too Much in this walk and no way was I going to Give Up On It Now.
I did, thankfully, make it back to my house without shitting myself and so reveled in the relief of being able to crap, something I find most people take very much for granted.
After all, It's The Little Things That Count.
(Right?)
That said, I must now say that denying my bowel movements in the very same way/mindset most people use to justify their abusive and self-destructive relationships is most definitely not healthy.
My asshole deserves better than that.
15.7.15
The Sound in the Ceiling
This was supposed to be yesterday's post but I wasn't able to get on so here it is today.
When I was little I loved the movie Mouse Hunt. I enjoyed watching the little critter outsmart those two buttheads but after last night I've gotta say I feel their pain.
Last evening I was reading in my room when I heard this:
Skirtcha-skirtcha-skir
It sounded to me like pebbles or pine cones rolling down the roof but was coming from directly above me not from outside.
Great, I thought. A mouse.
(In all likelihood it was probably a rat but for the sake of the "Mouse Hunt" reference I've already made I will continue to refer to him or her as a mouse.) I didn't worry about it too much since animals don't stay in the house long (lucky them) and figured I was exhausted enough to go to bed sound or no sound.
I was wrong.
Skirtcha-skirtcha-skirtcha
Skirtcha-skirtcha-skir
Whatever, I thought. I'll be asleep soon.
I was not and the next thing I knew I was standing up and slapping on my light. Naked, tired, and a little bit wobbly from my medication kicking in I marched to the corner of my room and snatched up my cane. I returned to my bed, stood up on it, flipped the cane and proceeded to beat the shit out of the ceiling.
This seemed to work some. The sounded quieted and there were greater intervals in between it stopping and starting again. I appreciated this but it was still Fucking Annoying so I did what I should have done in the first place: I snatched my headphones from their perch, slammed them on my head, and blasted music over the unrelenting sound until I finally dropped off.
* * *
The next morning found me lying in bed listening once more to that blasted noise.
Skirtcha-skirtcha
Skirtcha-skirtcha-skuh
By this point I had resigned myself to a life with a noisy all night neighbor and was trying to bring my mind around to some sort of zen-like state but wasn't having much luck.
I sighed, flopping over onto my back and as I did so I heard the noise again at the exact moment I saw one of my posters move slightly.
I lie there staring up at the wall.
Skirtcha-skirtcha, my poster fluttered.
I blinked.
Skirtcha-skuh, it fluttered again.
I blinked again.
I sat up, tipped my fan down, and waited expectantly.
.............................
No noise.
Turns out my "mouse" was actually the breeze from my fan getting behind my posters and loosening them causing them to flutter against the wall and make the scrabbling noise. The slopped angle of my wall tricked me into thinking the sound was coming from the attic.
I flopped back in bed and listened to the blessed silence. I smiled feeling--to my surprise--not a trace of the embarrassment I probably should have been feeling. I think that's because there is so little in my life I have control over that being able to finally solve a problem regardless of how menial brought me more relief than you can possibly know and that, after the past few miserable days, felt fucking good.
-Erin, Mouse Hunter
When I was little I loved the movie Mouse Hunt. I enjoyed watching the little critter outsmart those two buttheads but after last night I've gotta say I feel their pain.
Last evening I was reading in my room when I heard this:
Skirtcha-skirtcha-skir
It sounded to me like pebbles or pine cones rolling down the roof but was coming from directly above me not from outside.
Great, I thought. A mouse.
(In all likelihood it was probably a rat but for the sake of the "Mouse Hunt" reference I've already made I will continue to refer to him or her as a mouse.) I didn't worry about it too much since animals don't stay in the house long (lucky them) and figured I was exhausted enough to go to bed sound or no sound.
I was wrong.
Skirtcha-skirtcha-skirtcha
Skirtcha-skirtcha-skir
Whatever, I thought. I'll be asleep soon.
I was not and the next thing I knew I was standing up and slapping on my light. Naked, tired, and a little bit wobbly from my medication kicking in I marched to the corner of my room and snatched up my cane. I returned to my bed, stood up on it, flipped the cane and proceeded to beat the shit out of the ceiling.
This seemed to work some. The sounded quieted and there were greater intervals in between it stopping and starting again. I appreciated this but it was still Fucking Annoying so I did what I should have done in the first place: I snatched my headphones from their perch, slammed them on my head, and blasted music over the unrelenting sound until I finally dropped off.
* * *
The next morning found me lying in bed listening once more to that blasted noise.
Skirtcha-skirtcha
Skirtcha-skirtcha-skuh
By this point I had resigned myself to a life with a noisy all night neighbor and was trying to bring my mind around to some sort of zen-like state but wasn't having much luck.
I sighed, flopping over onto my back and as I did so I heard the noise again at the exact moment I saw one of my posters move slightly.
I lie there staring up at the wall.
Skirtcha-skirtcha, my poster fluttered.
I blinked.
Skirtcha-skuh, it fluttered again.
I blinked again.
I sat up, tipped my fan down, and waited expectantly.
.............................
No noise.
Turns out my "mouse" was actually the breeze from my fan getting behind my posters and loosening them causing them to flutter against the wall and make the scrabbling noise. The slopped angle of my wall tricked me into thinking the sound was coming from the attic.
I flopped back in bed and listened to the blessed silence. I smiled feeling--to my surprise--not a trace of the embarrassment I probably should have been feeling. I think that's because there is so little in my life I have control over that being able to finally solve a problem regardless of how menial brought me more relief than you can possibly know and that, after the past few miserable days, felt fucking good.
-Erin, Mouse Hunter
10.7.15
Much Ado About Nothing
Today I Hate: Doing nothing. Why? Nothing gets done.
Today I Love: Doing nothing. Why? Nothing gets done.
Sometimes nothing is exactly what you need to be doing.
Don't disturb me because I will be very busy for the rest of the day.
Today I Love: Doing nothing. Why? Nothing gets done.
Sometimes nothing is exactly what you need to be doing.
Don't disturb me because I will be very busy for the rest of the day.
8.7.15
Today I Hate: Everything. Why? I'm in an exceptionally bad mood. And a lot of pain.
Today I Love: Hating. Why: I'm in an exceptionally bad mood. And I can create things from my hate.
Sometimes the answers to life's problems are the simplest ones. Unless it's my life and I'm working on my comic. I should never ever, ever, EVER think when starting a new panel "Oh, this will be an easy one." Not unless I want to spend the next two hours--literally--pulling my hair out and aimlessly scribbling angry pictures of comic-me.
.............
There was something I was going to write about but I am using a library computer right now and the mouse and keys are so appallingly greasy--at least I hope it's grease--that my hands keep sliding off them. This makes it a tiny little bit difficult to type and think anything other than "Oh, god, where is the nearest sink I can wash my hands in?"
So that's it for today then. Unless I want to spend the next 52:36 I have remaining talking about the horrifying nausea that has got me on the verge of puking or the sore throat that has again popped up out of nowhere.
Which I don't.
(End Session)
Today I Love: Hating. Why: I'm in an exceptionally bad mood. And I can create things from my hate.
Sometimes the answers to life's problems are the simplest ones. Unless it's my life and I'm working on my comic. I should never ever, ever, EVER think when starting a new panel "Oh, this will be an easy one." Not unless I want to spend the next two hours--literally--pulling my hair out and aimlessly scribbling angry pictures of comic-me.
.............
There was something I was going to write about but I am using a library computer right now and the mouse and keys are so appallingly greasy--at least I hope it's grease--that my hands keep sliding off them. This makes it a tiny little bit difficult to type and think anything other than "Oh, god, where is the nearest sink I can wash my hands in?"
So that's it for today then. Unless I want to spend the next 52:36 I have remaining talking about the horrifying nausea that has got me on the verge of puking or the sore throat that has again popped up out of nowhere.
Which I don't.
(End Session)
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