Today I (Still) Hate: My broken piece of shit body.
Today I love: Bunny, who I can hug on the toilet when I'm scared to shit.
At 5:30 this morning I found myself up to my belly in a tub of warm water holding my exceptionally large skull & crossbones cup of black tea and balancing a book on my knees at the same time.
Shortly before this I was sitting on the toilet for the second or third time Waiting to Shit, a basic bodily function that has become a disgustingly cruel and frightening game. My arms were crossed over my stuffed rabbit, holding him close to my chest while I took deep breaths and tried to visualize pooping "smoothly and naturally" as I had been instructed. For once in my life I have found a situation in which visualization (sometimes) has an actual effect on whatever is going on. Unfortunately, as I discovered yesterday, when the poop hits the pain spot and the pain starts to scream no amount of picturing a shit sliding out of my ass painlessly is actually going to make the shit slide out of my ass painlessly. Hence, the stuffed animal.
About that time I realized I had left my morning cup of tea in my room where it was now either a pleasantly drinkable temperature or unappealingly lukewarm. I decided to cut all attempts at shitting short (I did manage some but still with bleeding) and raced to my room to fetch the tea while I waited for the warm water coming out of the bath tap to realize it is supposed to be warm water (which can take anywhere from one to infinite minutes). I returned with said cup of tea and placed it on the floor near where I would be sitting repeating to myself that I had better not knock that over, I had better not knock that over. I didn't--and was quite proud of myself--and this was about when I plunked my butt in the tub of too hot water (I can never get a consistent or appropriate temperature due to my stupidly cold limbs) and finally got to enjoy my morning cup of tea with a sinking heart while Bunny looked on with that happy look he always wears on his face on when I feel like killing myself.
As I sipped my tea and read my crappy book (any book so long as it is not my story) I tried very hard not to think about the rest of the day as my mornings have become the best part of them.
Because I have some things(s) to say.
28.12.15
1.12.15
Sitz Bath Adventure
I tried a sitz bath today, a sort of last ditch effort after getting some really bad news from my doctor's office today. For those of you who don't know, a sitz bath is basically a warm bath that you can put epsom salts or essential oils into but I am just opting for the warm water due to my wrecked pelvis.
Anyhoo, because I don't have a bathtub and since I'm really tiny my doctors told me I could use the basin I do my hand washing in instead. So, like the mindless dolt I am I took the tub and, out of habit, filled it up to where I do when I wash my clothes. When I was done with that I realized it was in the shower and I couldn't lift it out and so, with some help from the wall and my legs, I got it over the ledge and onto the towel I had set on the floor. As I went to lower myself into it my brain began screaming a warning at me.
"ERIN! ERIN! ERIN! ERIN!" it offered helpfully.
I ignored it and lowered myself in further. The water rose up to my belly.
"THERE IS FAR TOO MUCH WATER IN THIS TUB."
I let myself drop to the bottom of the tub and water gushed out over the edge.
It's okay, I told myself. I'm on a towel.
My brain sat quietly in the background.
But then it occurred to me that I still had to lean back. I did so and with every millimeter a far greater amount of water than that flowed out. This was about when 6th grade science class--quite literally--came flooding back to me; something involving a fish tank, some water , and a toy boat. After a short time of this I began to feel extremely stupid but I justified my actions by not realizing the amount of mass my barely-there ass has.
"Alright, Brain," I gave in, got out, re-lifted the basin and, with some help from my legs and the wall, I got it on the ledge and dumped some water out.
I repeated this process once more until I was not flooding the bathroom.
And that's it. No great climax I'm afraid (though I did remember to check the water level before I dumped it out so I won't overflow next time). I think there was going to be one but I've forgotten it as my sister's got me watching The Legend of Chima which is more mind numbing than any amount of side-lying (alone) could ever be. :)
Anyhoo, because I don't have a bathtub and since I'm really tiny my doctors told me I could use the basin I do my hand washing in instead. So, like the mindless dolt I am I took the tub and, out of habit, filled it up to where I do when I wash my clothes. When I was done with that I realized it was in the shower and I couldn't lift it out and so, with some help from the wall and my legs, I got it over the ledge and onto the towel I had set on the floor. As I went to lower myself into it my brain began screaming a warning at me.
"ERIN! ERIN! ERIN! ERIN!" it offered helpfully.
I ignored it and lowered myself in further. The water rose up to my belly.
"THERE IS FAR TOO MUCH WATER IN THIS TUB."
I let myself drop to the bottom of the tub and water gushed out over the edge.
It's okay, I told myself. I'm on a towel.
My brain sat quietly in the background.
But then it occurred to me that I still had to lean back. I did so and with every millimeter a far greater amount of water than that flowed out. This was about when 6th grade science class--quite literally--came flooding back to me; something involving a fish tank, some water , and a toy boat. After a short time of this I began to feel extremely stupid but I justified my actions by not realizing the amount of mass my barely-there ass has.
"Alright, Brain," I gave in, got out, re-lifted the basin and, with some help from my legs and the wall, I got it on the ledge and dumped some water out.
I repeated this process once more until I was not flooding the bathroom.
And that's it. No great climax I'm afraid (though I did remember to check the water level before I dumped it out so I won't overflow next time). I think there was going to be one but I've forgotten it as my sister's got me watching The Legend of Chima which is more mind numbing than any amount of side-lying (alone) could ever be. :)
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