I've recently gotten back into Lolita fashion which I'll talk about more at another time and I frequently get comments on my dresses. This is understandable because lolita dresses tend to be pretty freaking adorable. I get the, "Oh, you're so cute!"s and the "You look beautiful!"s but what these people don't know is what goes on inside of me. No, I'm not talking about my broken psyche but that other bit of me I am always talking shit about: my butt hole.
This is a subject that is forever on my mind, generally because it is usually bleeding (like now) but I would like to talk about a particular incident that happened the other day.
Let me set the scene. I was subbing for a shift that started an hour earlier than my usual and so my internal clock was already going mad. I was okay though, because I had planned for that. Then, about a half hour before I had to leave I got the urge to poo.
Now, anyone in the IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) community who suffers from constipation rather than diarrhea knows that when you get the urge to shit, you take it because you never know when your next opportunity might arise (usually at the most inopportune times, like in a meeting or during a long bus ride). So I headed to the bathroom with my book and took my place on the porcelain throne.
Time. That's the other thing. You don't get to decide when to poop. You don't even get a general time frame. Your body tells you, "Hey! Ive got something to dump!" but fails to let you know when it will actually dump it. But, like I said, I had time so I wasn't worried.
I shat a little but got this fun phenomenon where you get a shit that's stuck halfway in and halfway out. I think this is probably something most people have experienced at some point in their life but when you've been constipated for three days you just want it all out, and trust me readers, there is no "pinching off" a shit like this.
So, that happened. It passed, I shat a little more, but then it happened again.
Let me add that pushing in this scenario only makes things worse (especially for me). It gives you hemorrhoids, opens anal fissures and DOES NOT achieve what you are trying so very hard to achieve.
At this point I started to get a little worried. I still hadn't eaten breakfast or finished getting ready and had no idea what time it was because I am one of those freaks who does not bring their phone into the bathroom with them. So, I put in one last stupid, last ditch effort and pushed and breathed like a yogi but to no avail.
So there I was, stuck on the toilet with a shit halfway out, no idea what time it was, freaking out because I was going to be late for my sub shift and I just started laughing. The situation was absolutely fucking ridiculous and there was nothing I could do about it.
A lot of you reading this (or a few, I can't imagine there are very many reading this) might be wondering what it is I found so amusing and that is difficult to explain. I guess when this is your daily life, you have to laugh because otherwise you will go completely and totally bat shit fucking insane. And believe me when I say that being stuck on the toilet and late for work was the least of my worries.
To conclude, I did eventually finish my dump, came out of the bathroom, checked the time and sat there in actual shock because it was twenty five minutes past Time to Go. There I was, thinking I'd have a few minutes to toast some bread but instead I threw whatever I could into my bags, ran out the door and was twenty minutes late to work.
All because some shit happened.
