Today I Hate: Being alone. Why? Because while I usually savor my alone time this is definitely too much of a good thing.
Today I Love: Me. My stuff. Who I am. Everything that makes me me. Why? Because I'm pretty damn awesome.
Identity Death
It always sucks when someone dies. And while there may be plenty of people who disagree with me on this, I think it sucks even more when the dead person is still technically alive. For me, I'm usually the first person I blame. I think that if someone I knew and was close to did such an extreme one eighty to the point where they don't even resemble the person I was friends with then I must have been wrong about them the whole time and am an idiot for ever being friends with them in the first place.
In actuality, this is not the case, doesn't make much sense, and is something that I believed because everybody kept telling me it was so. Since realizing this I have gotten much better at not blaming myself. I realize that I have no choice over what someone chooses to do with their life or the pile of shit they decide to turn into and maybe that's what sucks most of all.
Usually when this sort of personality/identity death happens after some amount of time passes and my wounds aren't quite so fresh as they had been I will check out the person because, hey, you never know (although most of the time I find, you do.)
This happened to me not too long ago and as I looked at some recent photos of the person I found I didn't feel hurt or angry or sad. I didn't really feel anything because the only thing that was going through my head was, Who IS this person? Because I honestly didn't know. This person, looking like they are about to snap in every single photo, stressed to the max with a strained smile, always holding a drink because how else could you possibly live so many lies and all at once...I didn't know them. Even though I recognized the face it was as if I was looking at a stranger.
At some point during all this it hit me like a good sized stone right on the noggin that the fake, pathetic person I was looking at wasn't someone I would ever want to know. The person I was looking at wasn't the same one I had befriended and who had befriended me, they were just a pathetic little child who couldn't deal with their self or their problems, who will only spend time around people who support those lies and will drink away any of their remaining doubts.
The next thought that went through my head was, How long can someone possibly live like this? Unfortunately, I already knew the answer to that question and it is A Very Long Time, usually for their whole lives.
When someone you care about decides to take a path that self-destructive it's not so much like watching a car accident as it is like watching a car accident involving the person you love, in slow motion, as they crumple up and die and there is absolutely not a thing in the world you can do to stop it or even to help. You just have to turn and walk away, soaked with the knowledge that you will never be seeing your loved one ever, ever again.
I know the advice given in this scenario is very similar to advice given when a loved one physically dies. That you have to move on with your life and meet other people, etc. But I've noticed that in this situation, unlike with a physical death, you are not allowed to mourn at all. People will tell you something along the lines of, "They were never your friend," (both insulting your intelligence and making you feel like a complete ass) and that they aren't worth your tears and that's all bullshit. For me, while it's true that the person in those photos sure as hell isn't worth a second of my time or a drop of my tears, the amazing person I once knew is, even if ultimately that is not what they chose to be. They were my friend, I loved them, and I have a right to mourn them and that is exactly what I am going to do.
Because I have some things(s) to say.
10.7.16
22.6.16
Ripping Me a New One: The Triumph of the Asshole or A Study In Erin's Absence
Today I Hate: My period. Why? Because the post I was supposed to post is
now being posted however many days after I originally said I was going
to post it.
Today I Love: Posting the goddamn post. Why? Oh, just read the goddamn post.
Infected.
Anal.
Fissure.
I want you to take a moment to say that out loud to yourself. I don't care where you are, at work, in bed, on public transport, just do it.
............................
Did you feel it?
"Infected anal fissure" is something that sounds nearly as horrifying coming out of your mouth as it feels trying to shit when you have one. And I should know because for the last eight months I've had a number of them.
What started out as my usual hemorrhoid issue acting up quickly turned into a thrombosed hemorrhoid (when a blood clot forms within a hemorrhoid. Much more fun to say aloud than to experience) and took a turn for the even worse until I was stuck lying on one side or the other all day every day with the exception of a short walk if my body allowed and trips to the kitchen to heat up food. And the bathroom, of course.
For eight months.
There were (and still are) other health problems I was trying to juggle at the same time making things even more difficult but to keep some of my privacy and to prevent this post from becoming an ill written (ha ha) novella, I will stick to one thing and that thing is my asshole.
Your asshole ripping open is something most people seem to try not to think about which is understandable but when it happens to you you find it is impossible to think of anything but(t) and before you know it you find yourself writing on a blog about it. Imagine not being able to walk up a hill or stairs without feeling it reopening, bit by bit, with every step. Or not being able to go anywhere or hang out with friends because you have to do a sitz bath every single time you go to the bathroom because even pee irritates it and it is impossible to carry around the amount of ointments you have to apply afterwards. Or reaching down to apply one of those ointments to feel not the skin of a human but that of a reptile and finding yourself wondering if David Icke really is right about lizard people (a true horror). Or not being able to sit or stand or wear pants. And let us not forget the fun surprise you get every time you go to the bathroom: whether you are going to have A) explosive diarrhea (which also irritates/creates anal fissures and hemorrhoids) B) a poop too hard to pass without ripping the fissures open again C) bleeding, either from the fissure, internal and/or external hemorrhoids, or something else or D) All of the above!!!!!! :D
Anal fissures--especially infected ones--are really beyond words is all I'm trying to get across. Being able to go to the bathroom and just poop is something I think most everyone takes for granted.
I tried a round of antibiotics which did improve the state of my butthole some and help with that purple-black reptilian skin, but every five to seven days, without a doubt, no matter what I did, my butt would rip me a new one and I would find myself grabbing onto the roll of toilet paper trying not to scream as I desperately tried to poop.
Then, as if all that wasn't bad enough, one day early last month I was having some extreme discomfort in my belly and looked in the mirror to find I resembled a woman four months into pregnancy (which I most definitely was not). After a clean ultrasound I was beginning to consider sticking a pin in my stomach to relieve the "I'm going to explode" feeling so I could eat and move again.
No one could find out why I wasn't healing up and after a month and a half of being able to eat no more than two very small meals a day and dropping weight I don't have to drop, I walked into my doctor's office (after yet another round of antibiotics which helped a little more though with the same end result) and told her I think I have an ulcer.
I came to this conclusion after reading up on symptoms because while most applied one really stuck out to me: the unexplained back pain that some patients with ulcers experience and that perfectly described my unexplained back pain. Putting all that together with the two plus two of my life my lovely, fantastic doctor didn't even blink when I told her.
I have been on PPIs (stomach acid suppressants) for four days now and have already experienced improvements in all areas. I can't decide which is best: being able to go for miles long walks again, traverse hills, work my way up to eating real meals, not having reptile skin, being able to skip a sitz bath here and there, start up ballet again, sit for any amount of time, actually looking forward to pooping (!), feeling so much better that I FORGOT to put on an ointment last night, run again (even if only for a few seconds), wear pants and underwear again for realistic going-out amounts of time, or that I can write a run-on sentence THIS LONG about all the symptoms I have that have improved!
It feels truly magical.
And right now, though it's still a ways away, I am so looking forward to being able to walk the four miles up and down hills to the grocery store deli area where I most love to sit and write, especially letters to my pen pal (whom I desperately need to catch up with).
I know what I will be doing this summer. ;)
I suppose you might find it weird or gross that I'm talking about this stuff online or at all for that matter and that's okay because sometime during all this mess I was sitting hunched over on the toilet with my head in my hands in agonizing pain when something in the recycling caught my eye. On the packaging from one of my hemorrhoid wipes it said, "You are not alone" (followed by a registered trademark symbol because nothing says "you are not alone" like a trademark symbol) and gave the statistics of adults in the U.S. who get hemorrhoids.
Dear God, I remember thinking, we can talk about shoving anything and everything up our asses for sex but we can't talk about hemorrhoids?! That's what's gross?!! There is something severely wrong with my culture.
Today I Love: Posting the goddamn post. Why? Oh, just read the goddamn post.
Infected.
Anal.
Fissure.
I want you to take a moment to say that out loud to yourself. I don't care where you are, at work, in bed, on public transport, just do it.
............................
Did you feel it?
"Infected anal fissure" is something that sounds nearly as horrifying coming out of your mouth as it feels trying to shit when you have one. And I should know because for the last eight months I've had a number of them.
What started out as my usual hemorrhoid issue acting up quickly turned into a thrombosed hemorrhoid (when a blood clot forms within a hemorrhoid. Much more fun to say aloud than to experience) and took a turn for the even worse until I was stuck lying on one side or the other all day every day with the exception of a short walk if my body allowed and trips to the kitchen to heat up food. And the bathroom, of course.
For eight months.
There were (and still are) other health problems I was trying to juggle at the same time making things even more difficult but to keep some of my privacy and to prevent this post from becoming an ill written (ha ha) novella, I will stick to one thing and that thing is my asshole.
Your asshole ripping open is something most people seem to try not to think about which is understandable but when it happens to you you find it is impossible to think of anything but(t) and before you know it you find yourself writing on a blog about it. Imagine not being able to walk up a hill or stairs without feeling it reopening, bit by bit, with every step. Or not being able to go anywhere or hang out with friends because you have to do a sitz bath every single time you go to the bathroom because even pee irritates it and it is impossible to carry around the amount of ointments you have to apply afterwards. Or reaching down to apply one of those ointments to feel not the skin of a human but that of a reptile and finding yourself wondering if David Icke really is right about lizard people (a true horror). Or not being able to sit or stand or wear pants. And let us not forget the fun surprise you get every time you go to the bathroom: whether you are going to have A) explosive diarrhea (which also irritates/creates anal fissures and hemorrhoids) B) a poop too hard to pass without ripping the fissures open again C) bleeding, either from the fissure, internal and/or external hemorrhoids, or something else or D) All of the above!!!!!! :D
Anal fissures--especially infected ones--are really beyond words is all I'm trying to get across. Being able to go to the bathroom and just poop is something I think most everyone takes for granted.
I tried a round of antibiotics which did improve the state of my butthole some and help with that purple-black reptilian skin, but every five to seven days, without a doubt, no matter what I did, my butt would rip me a new one and I would find myself grabbing onto the roll of toilet paper trying not to scream as I desperately tried to poop.
Then, as if all that wasn't bad enough, one day early last month I was having some extreme discomfort in my belly and looked in the mirror to find I resembled a woman four months into pregnancy (which I most definitely was not). After a clean ultrasound I was beginning to consider sticking a pin in my stomach to relieve the "I'm going to explode" feeling so I could eat and move again.
No one could find out why I wasn't healing up and after a month and a half of being able to eat no more than two very small meals a day and dropping weight I don't have to drop, I walked into my doctor's office (after yet another round of antibiotics which helped a little more though with the same end result) and told her I think I have an ulcer.
I came to this conclusion after reading up on symptoms because while most applied one really stuck out to me: the unexplained back pain that some patients with ulcers experience and that perfectly described my unexplained back pain. Putting all that together with the two plus two of my life my lovely, fantastic doctor didn't even blink when I told her.
I have been on PPIs (stomach acid suppressants) for four days now and have already experienced improvements in all areas. I can't decide which is best: being able to go for miles long walks again, traverse hills, work my way up to eating real meals, not having reptile skin, being able to skip a sitz bath here and there, start up ballet again, sit for any amount of time, actually looking forward to pooping (!), feeling so much better that I FORGOT to put on an ointment last night, run again (even if only for a few seconds), wear pants and underwear again for realistic going-out amounts of time, or that I can write a run-on sentence THIS LONG about all the symptoms I have that have improved!
It feels truly magical.
And right now, though it's still a ways away, I am so looking forward to being able to walk the four miles up and down hills to the grocery store deli area where I most love to sit and write, especially letters to my pen pal (whom I desperately need to catch up with).
I know what I will be doing this summer. ;)
I suppose you might find it weird or gross that I'm talking about this stuff online or at all for that matter and that's okay because sometime during all this mess I was sitting hunched over on the toilet with my head in my hands in agonizing pain when something in the recycling caught my eye. On the packaging from one of my hemorrhoid wipes it said, "You are not alone" (followed by a registered trademark symbol because nothing says "you are not alone" like a trademark symbol) and gave the statistics of adults in the U.S. who get hemorrhoids.
Dear God, I remember thinking, we can talk about shoving anything and everything up our asses for sex but we can't talk about hemorrhoids?! That's what's gross?!! There is something severely wrong with my culture.
19.6.16
Today I Hate: The heat.
Today I Love: ORGANIZING AND CLEANING AGAIN, OH MY GOD.
Hello everyone! Just here to say I have a post I plan on putting up tomorrow (I know, it's been awhile!) but am unable to do so now because it needs to be edited and I simply cannot do that yet for a number of reasons.
So, tomorrow.
'Bye for now,
-The Gloom
Today I Love: ORGANIZING AND CLEANING AGAIN, OH MY GOD.
Hello everyone! Just here to say I have a post I plan on putting up tomorrow (I know, it's been awhile!) but am unable to do so now because it needs to be edited and I simply cannot do that yet for a number of reasons.
So, tomorrow.
'Bye for now,
-The Gloom
19.5.16
Enough is Indeed Enough.
Today I Hate: Panic Attacks. Why? Because they suck.
Today I Love: Tea and not getting sick. Why? Because I am absolutely, no way in hell, getting sick.
Haven't done any internet stuff in awhile for a number of reasons, mostly because I find the internet to be a disgusting cesspool of stupid people and gross things (also present in the real world but far worse online). I have been working on stuff but am reluctant to post most of it due to the aforementioned cesspool of whatever. I have mostly been journal writing and comic planning but I feel more and more like the internet is not the place for me. It is not this great, wonderful place where you can share ideas, improve, and "find your people" like everyone seems to think. Unless of course you are one of the f*cking insane, torch wielding majority or are willing to bend to the will of the f*cking insane, torch wielding majority when they start blocking/deleting your accounts and silencing you when they see something they don't agree with even though they accept everyone and everything and I'm pretty certain that is exactly what would happen here if I actually posted any of the things I really want to write about.
So I will probably post stuff again sometime but for now I am just keeping myself to myself because I have really had enough of people, both online and in the real world.
Enough is enough.
-Me.
Today I Love: Tea and not getting sick. Why? Because I am absolutely, no way in hell, getting sick.
Haven't done any internet stuff in awhile for a number of reasons, mostly because I find the internet to be a disgusting cesspool of stupid people and gross things (also present in the real world but far worse online). I have been working on stuff but am reluctant to post most of it due to the aforementioned cesspool of whatever. I have mostly been journal writing and comic planning but I feel more and more like the internet is not the place for me. It is not this great, wonderful place where you can share ideas, improve, and "find your people" like everyone seems to think. Unless of course you are one of the f*cking insane, torch wielding majority or are willing to bend to the will of the f*cking insane, torch wielding majority when they start blocking/deleting your accounts and silencing you when they see something they don't agree with even though they accept everyone and everything and I'm pretty certain that is exactly what would happen here if I actually posted any of the things I really want to write about.
So I will probably post stuff again sometime but for now I am just keeping myself to myself because I have really had enough of people, both online and in the real world.
Enough is enough.
-Me.
29.1.16
Brief Comic Update
More people have been asking me lately about my comic and how it is
coming along so I wanted to post an update there rather than elsewhere.
It is here.
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